im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize