I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
