Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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