Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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