I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
