You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
