You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
