Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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