Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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