after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
