well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
