Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
