I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
