you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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