I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
