You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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