At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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