Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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