I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
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