508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
