please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
