Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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