whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
