Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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