meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
