never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
