I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
