I have demons in me.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
