I got chris browned last night
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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