the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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