I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
