Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
