i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
