I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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