Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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