We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
