so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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