I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
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Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
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my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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