I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Randomize
