Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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