So drunk its hurt
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
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Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
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I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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