i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
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You. Win. At. Life.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
