worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
