I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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