so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
