There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
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French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
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god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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