you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
