He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
