hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
