guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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