Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
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Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
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You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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