You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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