I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
