i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
