You smell like stripper and shame
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
