drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
